[:it's better to be dead and cool, than alive and uncool:]

  Freedom is not a philosophy, nor is it an idea - it is a stirring of conscience that causes us to utter at certain moments one of two monosyllables;  yes or no.  In that instant, fleeting as a lightning flash, it shows the whole contradiction of human nature.  Conversely, man's life cannot be lived by repeating the patterns of his species;  he must *live*.  Man is the only animal that can be bored, who can be discontented, who can feel evicted from paradise.

  An often used quote is "this above all, to thine own self be true", but there in lies the question; how can you be true to yourself if you don't know who you are?  The greatest gift mankind has is free choice, but why do we feel obligated to make the choices that only end up getting us in more trouble?  Why do we feel compelled to make the choices that are inherently bad and dangerous for us, yet we keep making them day after day?

  For all my studies into the human condition, it still amazes me at the complexities of the psyche and its abilities to absorb and rebound from all sorts of stimuli.  At the same it is amazes me how utterly stupid and lost we all are.

  My cat died a month ago.  It was not entirely unexpected, as he was 20 and had numerous cysts in his bladder and liver.  But the speed at his decline and the obvious emotional impact has sent me down a dark path.  Not in a "Hey, I'm going to jump off this cliff" but I've lost all interest in my hobbies or going out to deal with humans.  With the brief exception of a few days of happiness, I haven't spent more than 3 hours a night sleeping in almost 30 days.  Which, oddly enough given my normal sleep rotation seems perfectly normal and I seem to be no better off for it.

  But it's made me realize how little I care about most things that people take for granted; that I have lost any fear or pleasure response, which makes crossing the street in traffic SUPER EXCITING.  In essence, I have committed to following Todestrieb - A Freudian concept in which actions are taken which are counter-intuitive and tend to be the opposite of what's considered "normal"; ie desiring of human connections, of sex, of living.  I find little to no interest in my hobbies, I spend most of my nights watching TV or playing video games.

  "But Jared, that sounds like you are just depressed and should talk to someone about it and etc and blah blah blah and oh god please stop before I stab my ears so I can stop listening to you."  I'm not depressed; I just don't care anymore.  There's a difference.  To quote Watchmen "I am tired of this world; these people.  I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives."

  I told someone recently that I stopped wanting things, because invariably when I get them, they are taken from me.  So far 2019 seems to be par on course.

you can either be fat and jolly or a skinny bitch.