[:teach a man to make fire, he'll be warm for a night. light a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life:]

     Faith is not something I often talk about. Raised Jewish, spent eight years in Hebrew School to learn a language that requires you to either have the flu or be congested, I socialize mostly with Atheists, Agnostics, Buddhists, and the occasional Satanist. Hell, the Mormons once tried to convert me. I had to tell them that I listened to a bad called Ministry, and that they should give it a try. They kind of stopped, after that.

     I've seen quite a bit of religion and have never really taken to any of them.

     When I was child, I remember talking often with God. God was like an imaginary friend - someone you just talked to that no one else could see. I didn't pray to God, I conversed. I talked about my day, had one way discussions on why world events were as they were, asked a couple of questions about why every fucking fish I ever owned felt the need to jump out of the tank and try to eat my face, occasionally requested peace among family members. I played G.I. Joe with God sometimes. God was the only person I told about my secret metal box of treasures I kept in my closet in case the house burned down so I could grab it when I had to evacuate. I figured if anyone would remind me to take it, God would.

     But I outgrew talking to God. At some point I started talking to myself instead. Not surprisingly, people react much more positively to children talking to themselves instead of "God". Too reminiscent of Joan of Arc, I guess. Also, God never talked back and I got a bit impatient with the one-sided nature of the relationship. God became this ridiculous part of my past - a figment of my imagination that I was foolish enough to believe in with my childhood naivete. By the time I was 15 I was a full fledged Atheist. The idea of a god or an afterlife seemed like the most ludicrous, arcane idea born of weak people who needed a fake higher cosmic being to give their lives meaning. I gave God away like everything else I'd outgrown.

     I've been comfortable in my adult life vacillating between Atheism and Buddhism.  I guess Jewdism might be a better, more true statement.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I haven't been to a Synagogue for anything other than funerals and weddings since I was 13 for the "Today I am a Man, Tomorrow I return to the 7th Grade" Bar Mitzvah Fun Time Love Explosion.  Then again, as far as I can tell (and the video shows some proof of this) a) I was drunk, b) There was a clown, and c) I cracked my skull open during limbo.  GOOD TIMES HAD BY ALL.  Anyway.   I've been confronted many times by people who believe that I must be without hope or inner peace as an Atheist, but I feel quite the contrary. When I, or others without organized religion, do good deeds, it's not because of religious doctrine or to get into an afterlife. It's a purely altruistic gesture. The more good I see done by Atheists, the more I can believe in the inherent goodness of humanity. I see people who choose a positive path because they want to, not out of fear of religious retribution. And that makes me happy and hopeful.  Trying to live your life out of a book that pretty much says "Do this, or I'll fucking kill you" tends to get old pretty fast.

     But I do miss the community that temple provided. I miss singing on Saturdays and smelling the lilies at holiday time. I miss little kids dressed up for Purim and bad pageants. I miss celebrating life with a room full of joyful people. I even miss getting shitfaced as a 12 year old on Manischewitz, and the fact that religion introduced me to my good friend Jack Daniels.  But I just can't consider myself Jewish. I don't have those beliefs of the supernatural aspects in my heart and I would feel hypocritical and disrespectful to the congregation if I went to a service for the fun of it. I just don't believe in the idea of God as anything other than a really good guy and grass roots organizer who made some pretty incredible changes in a corrupt society. And that supernatural belief in God seems to be a pretty fundamental religious concept. It's non-negotiable to believers; to believe in something greater than oneself.

     I miss getting excited for the holidays. I miss eating dinner, and lighting of candles, or the reading of the haggadah.  Opening the presents, or wondering why the hell the front door was open, and who the hell Elijah was.  I can barely remember those days anymore. I miss having a connection. I'm fastly coming to the conclusion that I have no emotional attachment to any human being in my life, and that's a scary thought.

dear buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket.